I too talked to Mitch the Kentucky Turtle for 20 minutes

I am so going to MAGAts hell …

Plenty of people are claiming to have talked to the Kentucky Turtle for 20 minutes, I guess in some Pythonesque attempt to prove he’s not quite dead yet:

I am really going to MAGAts hell now.

Let’s start with the unreported people speaking with the Kentucky Turtle, if not for 20 minutes.

First: Dr. Jeebus H. Trump, of course.

“He laid hands on the young boy on his head and said to him, “Talya koum!” (which means “Little boy, I say to you, get up!”). Immediately the boy looked as he was starting to raise up from the hospital bed and began to slide out of the hospital bed as if to walk around (he was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished. He gave strict orders not to let anyone know about this, and told them to give him something to eat.”

Next, Elaine Chao:

“Xi says hello and he’s going to let us name a Chinese merchant vessel after you. Oh, I have to go back to China. We’re negotiating a new trade deal. Don’t you like that I got people to stop worrying about you by saying that I didn’t need to come back here originally?”

Rand Paul:

“I wanted to thank you for your inspirational leadership as the senior senator from Kentucky and how I can’t wait to take over.”

Thomas Massie:

“Mitch, if only I could have gotten you to be a real fake anti-MAGAt. I’ll run for your seat after you’re dead.”

Gov. Andy Beshear:

“As a cojones-free Democrat, I of course can’t say who I will choose to fill your seat if you should die and need a short-term successor, because I can’t do that, because I couldn’t stop your fellow Republicans from removing that power from me.”

Kim Davis:

“Is it true that you were secretly homosexual? Maybe God punished you in advance with polio. Oh, if I were in power, I wouldn’t sign your death certificate. Besides, you married a non-Merikkkan woman.”

John Marshall Roberts:

“Thanks for all your help with the Supreme Court. If you’ve committed any potential crimes, or want to commit any actual crimes before you die, we’ll fix it for you with a special ruling.”

Alison Lundergan Grimes (pronounced Alice in Wonderland Crimes):

“I am glad to have represented military ConservaDems losing races to Republicans by falling to you in 2014. I’m sad that I can’t lose again to a great patriot like you.”

Scott Jennings:

“It’s me sir, Scott Jennings, not the Jeopardy guy. But I’m sure you’ll inspire lots of Jeopardy rounds in the future.”

Bagger Vance:

“There’s nothing I can say beyond what our lord and savior Donald John the Evangelist Trump has already said.”

Buck Dharma:

“Don’t fear the reaper. Let Juliet Elaine fix you up with some Chinese fentanyl.”

The Socratic Gadfly:

“Back up, everybody.

“Sorry, Buck, the Mitch bot’s hardware is frozen again. He can’t break on through to the other side right now. He’s frozen so stiff he can’t become a frozen stiff.”

(Opens Chao’s purse, looks. Finds a vial. Opens it.)

“This shit, Buck? Xi ripped her off. Fentanyl with a 98 percent sugar cut. I’d get out of that shipping deal, too, if not too late, Elaine.

“As for you, Bagger? There’s nothing you can say, period.

“As for you, Kim Davis? Go thou and do likewise.

“Where did Grimes go? Oh, she disappeared? And Beshear with her? Shock me.

“John Marshall Roberts? If only I could get all of America’s non-duopoly voters to elect me, I’d play Andy Jackson to your Marshall.

“Rand Paul, return that squirrel hair to its rightful squirrel. Massie, ditto with the better-groomed squirrel hair.

(Yanks.)

“Shit, really, that’s real hair? Squirrel hair might be better.”

==

“Folks, I’m not a doctor, and I don’t play one on TV. I also don’t play either a doctor, a Jeebus pretendian, or a bald-faced, semi-bald-headed liar on social media.

(Glares at Jeebus H. Trump.)

“All of you are the problem, including Alison Wonderland and Andy Pasture from the left hand of the duopoly.

==

(Hears a moaning whisper. Bends his head near Mitch’s mouth.)

“No, I don’t know the frequency, and stop calling me Kenneth.”

(Hears another moaning whisper.)

“Yes, Trump’s still here. And Vance.”

(Another soft moaning whisper.)

“Actually, your sin is worse than the sin against the Holy Ghost.”

(A murmuring whimper whisper.)

“The United States of America is dying like you are. Your sin is to be part and parcel of making it a failing state.”

==

(Hears the remaining people in the room all getting louder and louder, topped by Trump’s brief, then breathless, bellows.)

“Who am I? Mark Twain talked about my uncle and I.”