January 03, 2014

I give Deadspin some help in killing Bill Simmons

Deadspin has a great post on all the sports issues, items and people it says need to die or be killed off this year.

I especially agree that, among other things, Bill Simmons has outlived his shelf life. When Joe Boston Sports Fan was saying the things he does, it was interesting. Now that he's an often vapid, often insufferable, first person commenter, and a name dropper du jour to boot, yeah, time to get rid of him.

True, per a friend, he recruited staff that made Grantland what it is today. OK? He can manage Bill Barnwell, Zach Lowe, et al, and shut up 50 percent more himself.

That said, I'm giving Deadspin some help — killing off all of these with a quick mashup.

Col Allen of the New York Post personally goes to a military surprise reunion, asks one too many questions of a Marine with PTSD, and gets his pencil neck snapped in 3 seconds. Sports Illustrated tries to take over the remains of the Post and goes bankrupt, but not before revealing that the NFL passer formula is a secret code for Roger Goodell knowing that chronic traumatic encephalopathy from too many concussions "causes" gayness. Every homophobe in the NFL sues the league and it goes bankrupt.

We let Barack Obama kill the First Amendment, so we can jail Simmons. Gus Johnson tries to imitate him and has a massive, fatal coronary from stress.

We get Dolan to believe Trick Shot Titus is a real player and sign him, which leads to, oh, say, Spike Lee kidnapping Dolan, driving him into the hood and having him beaten to death.

There, everything on Deadspin's 2014 death list is offed, except the highlight truthers.

And, admit it, you'd like to see a few of these. Dolan getting beaten to a pulp in the South Bronx probably gives some Knicks fans a willie.

Simmons incarcerated, especially if we made him listen to piped-in Skip Bayless and Jason Whitlock would be fun.

But, the NFL one would be the best.

We'd kill off a league that, per a quote by George Will:
Football combines the two worst things about America: it is violence punctuated by committee meetings.
And a more recent one:
In the NFL, especially, football is increasingly a spectacle, a game surrounded by manufactured frenzy, on the grass and in the increasingly unpleasant ambiance of the fans in the stands. Football on the field is a three-hour adrenaline-and-testosterone bath. For all its occasional elegance and beauty, it is basically violence for, among other purposes, inflicting intimidating pain.
Has boxed itself into a corner.

We'd see the NFL sued into oblivion, but not before the added hypocrisy of trying to legally shield itself behind its nonprofit status. We'd see a huge amount of homophobia exposed. And, we'd somehow de-emphasize this one sport, at least, down into the college and even the high school ranks, and just maybe, get some of our schools focusing a small bit more on education.

Can somebody please make this happen? Somebody start that rumor?

Oh, and force Simmons to listen to all the piped-in details while he's in prison? 

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