Forgiveness vs. “letting go” and other thoughts

My puppy parable post inspired someone to comment about issues of forgiveness.

Without going too far down the rabbit trail of “to err is human, to forgive is divine,” I want to offer a few thoughts on this subject.

First, forgiveness can’t be earned. I say that from a totally secular, nonreligious perspective, specifically that forgiveness from another human being can’t be earned.

We can try to make the person we’ve hurt or wronged more disposed to forgive us, but, this isn’t something mechanical, a quasi-karma where X amount of repentance, contrition and other acts automatically produces Y amount of forgiveness. (Of course, I don’t believe in karma in any literal sense, as a metaphysical law of cause and effect, any more than I do in any Western religious doctrines; that’s the subject of another story, but those who know my background should recognize I have HUGE reasons not to believe in karma.)

All we can do is hope that the person we’ve wronged has become of a different disposition.

But, what if the hurt we caused, or were caused from the would-be forgiver’s point of view, is too deep, was inflicted far too repetitively, or has otherwise become too ingrained?

Well, to quote a religious reformer, “It’s not safe to go against one’s own conscience.” It may require too much personal change, not just in anger or sorrows toward the other person, but in trust levels.

So, instead, we have “letting go” — trying to process through our own emotions and psychological states as the hurt person enough to let go of at least some of our old emotions and old mental states. Counselors often make the distinction.

Besides, what a person asking forgiveness often needs most is something they have to grant themselves.

Now, more about the lesson of the puppy. Something to be even better learned that forgiveness is sympathy, and something to be even better learned than sympathy is empathy.

As for a person or animal that’s been hurt, it probably most needs the nurturing, and the help to re-establish trust, that comes with empathy.