November 14, 2014

Jose Canseco hits a new level of idiocy

Jose Canseco, idiot
Ex-roiding baseball player Jose Canseco just shot off one of his two middle fingers while allegedly cleaning his gun.

This leads to several jokes, a few of them on this original Hardball Talk blog piece.

There's mine, referring to his most ignoble night on a major league field:
Did the bullet bounce off his head and over the wall for a homer?
Yeah, I went there.

Or, this one, referring to his twin brother, Ozzie Canseco:
That is absolutely AWFUL news….for his brother Ozzie….
Who now has to remove a finger to keep masquerading as Jose at events that are, somehow, beneath Jose.

(Update, Nov. 14: The reattached finger came off during a poker game. Go to bottom for yet more jokes.

Update 2, Nov. 20: Jose's got enough of a brain — and enough of a reputation — to have punked us all.)

We're now in Laugh-In territory, folks!

On the other hand, he also blew his arm out trying to pitch. Maybe he can become a lefty, and with the missing digit, imitate Mordecai Brown, the famous Three-Finger Brown.

Several people have commented on the Darwin Award nature of this. The Twitter feed of his current GF, who used to be an ex-GF, and once (actual seriousness) had a restraining order against him shows that we're in the Darwin Awards mating division.

Finally, how do we know Jose wasn't drunk?

Or at least puking, if he's downing Old Swillwaukee.

Meanwhile, Alex Rodriguez and his "Romo Shuffle" with Tony Romo have been pushed off the front page of Roiders Inc. news. How does The Centaur respond?

Does roiding fry brain cells?

Meanwhile, maybe Jose wants to be in a new version of Lord of the Rings, as a roid-infested Frodo Baggins type.

You know, as Jose the Nine-Fingered and the Gun of Doom. Because he's going to rescue MLB from all the Mordorites who are the reasons why #BaseballIsDying.

Update, Nov. 14: The surgically reattached finger fell off during a poker game! No, really.

So, I guess Canseco ... wait for it, wait for it ...

Had a weak hand in that poker game!

And, with one less than the normal five digits, personally redefines the old poker term of four-flusher, right!

For extra fun, watch him sob away on Inside Edition (about his level, anyway):

I'll be adding more jokes as they come.

Like Jose leaving the dealer a tip.

Or having finger food at the poker game. Like, you know, steak fingers!

I think the now-divorced finger needs its own reality show.

Per the Nov. 18, update, at least he won't be handicapped at nose-picking or ass-scratching.

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