July 26, 2014

Texas Republicans comment on the alleged #BorderCrisis

Dan Patrick, aka The Stinking Anglo Formerly Known as Danny Goeb™, said that he thought all of the alleged juvenile illegals, or Ill Eagles, were actually adults, probably midgets, in the youngest ages, but that adults could look like 10-year-olds.

"Everybody knows that Mexicans are all short, as well as stinky," he said.

Greg Abbott, continuing to remember that he has not a Mexican, but a Mexican-American wife, said that legal entry into the United States made Mexican-Americans taller and cleaner. He also denied that he was using Ill Eagles to dig the conservation-evading water well on his Austin lawn even deeper.

Ken Paxton said that the new criminal ethics complaint filed against him was obviously an attempt to undermine his planned new get-tough-on-illegals policy. He also denied that he had formed a limited partnership company to trade in employment futures of Ill Eagles.

Rick Perry said he was naming Sean Hannity an honorary brigadier general in the Texas National Guard. Actual illegal immigrants, knowing that, even for a wingnut, Hannity can't shoot straight, uttered a collective "Nemo problemo!"

Wendy Davis, stealing a page from Poppy Bush as she continued moving further to the right, promised "kinder, gentler border toughness" if elected governor. She then, in a further bid to keep from fading into irrelevance, said she would allow rich Ill Eagles to cross the border, if they would give her campaign $5,000 and then do five weeks of unpaid volunteer work.

David Dewhurst started thinking silently to himself that he might just have been lucky to lose the Lite Guv primary to The Stinking Anglo Formerly Known as Danny Goeb™. He then checked to make sure the Ill Eagles had mowed the greens at River Oaks Country Club.

Joe Straus, remembering that his ancestors had escaped from Beyond the Pale, kept relatively quiet for other reasons.

David Alameel said that he would spend "whatever it takes" to secure the border if he were elected to the Senate. But, he denied contributing funds to the Dallas Diocese of the Republic of Texas in the past.

Ted Cruz said freeing right-wing repression in a Hispanic country was far different than fleeing left-wing repression in a Hispanic country. Canadian Bacon™ then said that Cubans, unlike Mexicans, never stank.

John Cornyn muttered some senseless shit in another attempt to be as much of a wingnut as Cruz.

Louie Gohmert was strangely quiet, leaving seasoned observers to think he was going to trump everybody else's nutbar level sometime next week.

Davis and Alameel then looked around at being on a list of Republicans and shrugged their shoulders.

No comments: