Texas GOP responds to LBJ civil rights 50th anniversary event

Former presidents Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and some Republican guy named W. all spoke in Austin yesterday and today at the 50th anniversary of President Lyndon B. Johnson campaign for civil rights.

Carter said we can't use the idea that "LBJ did it" to excuse us from not continuing to do the work that's still needed today. Clinton acknowledged his political debt to LBJ. (That said, Carter in pandering to Reagan Democrats in 1976 already, and Clinton in things like crack vs. powder cocaine, saw the light more after they finished their presidencies than before.)

But, even though that W. Bush guy is a Republican, and gave the finale of the presidential speeches, that doesn't represent all Republican opinion in the state. Because he's a squish and a liberal and not a true conservative, you know.

Rick Perry says that talk of civil rights is an attempt to distract from his record as Texas' job creator in chief. He said his record shows he favors full civil rights for all minimum-wage, no-benefits jobs.

Ted Cruz said that civil rights today is a code word for affirmative action which is a code word for quotas which is all about socialism. Besides, Cruz says, since the bible says there is no Jew or Gentile, that means that Jesus knows we don't need civil rights, especially since the Old Testament warns us not to mix different kinds, including not mixing "chosen" and "unchosen" people, you know?

John Cornyn repeats what Ted Cruz said because, per LBJ, Cornyn has voluntarily put his pecker in Cruz's pocket. Per Ted Cruz's bible-quoting and Cornyn's pecker-surrendering, Cornyn refuses to tell us whether he's circumcised or uncircumcised.

Louie Gohmert says complaining about civil rights is a plot to steal the precious bodily fluids of good, upstanding people who just happen to have upstanding race, gender and skin color.

Greg Abbott (who may again be MIA) says we can't afford pre-kindergarten, let alone full-day pre-K, for all students in our state until we do a rigorous cost analysis of the benefits. That cost analysis will include figuring out which of today's 4-year-olds is most likely to vote be allowed to vote, especially under terms of his proposed Vote Improvement Protection —Access Security System. (There's an acronym for that.) Abbott also indicated he has a "highly respected" educational guru to help him do all this. Beyond looking for valid drivers licenses and administering pre-1964 style poll tax questions, the (read the acronym) allows all voting stations to ignore the Americans with Disabilities Act for all voters under the rank of Attorney General or retired Attorney General. When asked about how he could stand for such blatant favoratism, he said it was a dirty liberal trick  to ask him to "stand" for anything.

Dan Patrick says getting some Ill Eagles to do lots of work for cheap, because they're Ill Eagles, doesn't violate their civil rights, because they have none, since they're Ill Eagles.

David Dewhurst says he agreed with all of the above in spades, because Ted Cruz put the Dew's pecker into a pig in a blanket 2 years ago. He added that he favors civil rights for (the grounds crew employees) at any country club where he is a member, and then asks Dan Patrick if he's got any phone numbers.

Jerry Patterson although previously promising to give women all the guns they want, is silent, then starts randomly waving his gun in the air and shooting.

Joe Straus says to himself that he is damn sure glad that Jewish counts as white with a fair amount of Republicans today.