SocraticGadfly: Who will Jethro Jerry Jones and Stephen Fetchit Jones hire (we presume) to replace Red Jesus Jason Garrett?

January 05, 2020

Who will Jethro Jerry Jones and Stephen Fetchit Jones
hire (we presume) to replace Red Jesus Jason Garrett?

The "red Jesus" comes from the brother of a friend, in his snark take on Dallas Cowboys still-technically there but twisting in the wind head coach Jason Garrett. (This is an update of an earlier post.)

First, can Jethro Jerry be any more insensitive? He claimed, when asked first after the Cowgirls were officially eliminated, that he was trying to be sensitive to Garrett by not immediately commenting. Meanwhile, as Tricky Dick Nixon said about L. Patrick Gray, the result, whether intended or not, has been to let Garrett twist in the wind. Last Thursday, a leaker said he was gone. Silence from Jethro and nephew Stephen Fetchit Jones. (You like that one, eh?)

That said, yes, Jerry can be more insensitive. Note his bully-the-players by a one-time kneeling with them over Colin Kaepernick and take a knee. Note his loutish private life, where he outdrinks even Dale Hansen. (And surely outgropes him, per rumors.) Speaking of ...

Rumors then had Mike McCarthy (and others) interviewing with the team. More silence from Jethro and Stephen Fetchit.

So, let's give the rumors credence?

Marvin Lewis? No. That was Jerry's "follow the league rules and check the box" on minority candidate interviews.

Given his reaction to Kaep, no fucking way Jethro's hiring a minority coach. I'll eat Tom Landry's fedora if he does.

In reality, Lewis probably wouldn't be bad.

See, Jethro hasn't had to jump through all these hoops for years. With the city and county of St. Louis suing not just Stan Kroenke and the Rams but the whole NFL for colluding in Kroenke's lies, and Jethro's part in facilitating the Rams' flight to LA, he's dotting his i's and crossing his t's.

And, if he wanted a minority candidate that would appear to Dallas' large Hispanic population plus huge fan base in Mexico? Ron Rivera was available.

Bil Belichick? Forget it. Jones grudgingly ceded some powers to Bill Parcells. He'd never let go as much as Belichick might want. Besides, if Tom Brady leaves the Hatriots? Cheat-a-Check is retiring. NOT going to another team. I'll eat Skip Bayless' fedora if I'm wrong there.

Bill O'Brien is the subject of Texans' fans Twitter angst. He's not being fired. Especially since the Texans took the lead back after their titty-baby fans started whining, and stopped one late drive against an inexperienced Josh Allen taking an impermissble sack. The OT win by a banged-up Texans means that #FireBob goes nowhere.

Somebody who might be interested in the challenge (or might not), is younger than Belichick, and would be a great upgrade? Mike Tomlin. But, I doubt he's leaving the Steelers any time soon.

Mike Zimmer? Being through the Dallas circus before is the main reason he'll stay in Minnesota.

Mike McCarthy is the default guy. Josh McDaniels, if he goes anywhere, will head to Cleveland, where he can pick a GM not named Stephen Fetchit Jones to work with him.

College coaches? Lincoln Riley is not driving down from Norman, no is any other currently active college coach with his success level.

An Urban Meyer might come out of retirement, but no active top tier coach is going to Valley Ranch.

The real problem is that Jethro Jerry and Stephen Fetchit won't look themselves in the mirror. This team hasn't been to a conference championship game since Barry Switzer won their last Super Bowl 24 years ago.


Update, Jan. 6: I didn't step out quite as far on a limb as I could have yesterday when I said McCarthy was the "default guy." Well, according to (I presume) the same leaker or leakers, he IS the guy.

Two notes.

First, is he really that much of an upgrade over Red Jesus? I'd argue not and argue his coaching record says he's not. Only winning one Super Bowl? Only GETTING TO one Super Bowl with Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers as your QBs? This talk about how he's bringing an analytics staff to the team? Shouldn't the "socks and jocks" guy, so brilliant on business matters, have thought of that long ago?

As for his reality? Hasn't stopped Todd Archer at Red Satan (former Dallas Snooze guy) from turd-polishing the legend.

Second, like Donald Trump, on these leaks, has Jethro Jerry been his own leaker?

A day later, Archer continues to fellate the team for the hire without discussing the leaker.

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