May 27, 2014

Texas GOP leaders comment on runoff elections

Texas Republican leaders took stock of where the party stands for the general election after Saturday's runoffs.

Rick Perry said: "What happened to the good old days when a college cheerleader with alleged homosexual tendencies could get nominated for governor? NO, not me. Didn't that guy before me cheer at Yale? Besides, I don't paint." After that, he was told to shut up, on advice of counsel who realized his pain meds were on overdose and thought something Perry might say would guarantee a first-degree felony indictment.

Ted Cruz said: "I applaud Texas Republican voters for nominating the moderate conservative Dan Patrick to run for lieutenant governor. I will do anything I can to help make him as solid in conservativism as I am."

John Cornyn said, "I believe exactly what Ted Cruz said. But I deny that I said that because I have voluntarily put his pecker in Cruz's pocket."

David Alameel said: "I'm not a Republican any more, but I used to be one, before the party got too conservative for me and I saw what I thought was an easy, vanity-fueled chance to run against John Cornyn, who still won't give me a refund on my old campaign donations."

Kesha Rogers said: "I'm just a crazy fucking loon. I'm crazy enough I should be a Republican, although I'm not."

Louie Gohmert said: "I'm glad I didn't face a runoff. Someday, there's going to be a stealth religious conservative who tries to run to my right. And we'll find out he's a dark-skinned stealth Mooslim like that Bobby Jindal guy."

Greg Abbott said: "Oh, Lord? Ken Paxton beat Dan Branch in the attorney general runoff and I have to face five months of possible questions as to why I, the current AG, never noticed any of his securities violations." He then denied he had a double standard on law enforcement and said it was a dirty liberal trick to talk about him and a  "stand"-ard for anything.

Dan Patrick said: "I'm grateful to be mentioned by Ted Cruz and in the same breath as him. I promise my statewide campaign supporters that no stinking Ill Eagles will pick up your old signs or set out new ones. Patrick also admitted that the hard campaign left him facing "fatigue and exhaustion," while saying he would be outraged by any blogger that suggested a fitting headline for his win would be: "GOP nutbars nominate true-blue nutbar."

David Dewhurst said: "I can't even have gay lieutenant governor rumors. How low has my career sunk?" He then went off to play 36 holes of golf at River Oaks Country Club, hoping to spot one of the Ill Eagles  Patrick allegedly hired long ago at his sports bar, who might caddy for cheap.

Jerry Patterson said: "I'm sorry my endorsement didn't help David Dewhurst get the lieutenant governor's nomination." He then asked the Dew if he wanted him to whip out his hogleg and scare the shit out of Patrick. Like one of the guns in the video below ...

Ken Paxton said: "I'm glad that the people helped by my under-the-table financial genius were enough to get me nominated." He then offered to cut Dan Branch in on a venture capital sweetheart deal.

Ralph Hall woke up from his nap and said: "I'm glad to be a part of the leadership of the Democratic party in Texas." His staff didn't have the heart to tell him the election results, let alone that he was either Rip van Winkle or else was showing the onset of senility.

Abbott and Patrick were both asked, since Abbott recently discovered he has a Mexican wife, what they thought about Patrick using the phrase "dirty Mexican" in the past. Patrick said that because he was facing fatigue and exhaustion, just as he said he was at the time he talked about a "dirty Mexican," he was unable to answer. Abbott threatened to stand up and punch Patrick even as his right arm started doing some Strangelovian crazy behavior.

Joe Straus said to himself, under his breath: "Good Lord, this means I have to run the Lege along with Dan Patrick?" He then said, doubly under his breath, "Well, at least Patrick didn't lose; we might have had to put him on suicide watch again."

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