July 14, 2015

Note to Mark Cuban: Zuzu's Petals and D-Will Hunting? Try tanking

Dallas Mavericks owner/ersatz general manager/meddler Mark Cuban, doing his best to make Dallas sports fans forget that Jethro Jerry Jones even exists, has had the biggest free agency recruiting flop this side of Kobe Bryant.

First, Chandler Parsons, who apparently was inked as a free agent a year ago to be Cubes' wingman and PR fellator or something, flopped like a fish out of old Reunion Arena in trying to land DeAndre Jordan from the L.A. Clippers, after some intervention from Dayo Banana Boat Man Chris Paul and Doc Rivers, sparing Doc the possibility of himself looking like the dumbest GM in the NBA this side of Vlade Divac.

So, what does Cubes do for a free agency encore?

Zaza Pachulia, whom, if we don't call him Zuzu's Petals after It's a Wonderful Life (which it really isn't), probably should be called Patchouli for his earth-toned play. And Pachulia will make nobody in Dallas forget Tyson Chandler, either. At least Patchouli is only 40 percent of Chandler's cost.

And, to be HIS wingman as point guard? Deron Williams, who is probably one major ankle blowout away from the end of his NBA career.

Yeah, that will get the Mavs, erm, nowhere? And make Dirk Nowitzki very happy NOT, right?

Right now, I have only Divac's Kings, Kobe's Lakers, the Nuggets and the T-Wolves as definitely worse than the Mavs, and I wouldn't be surprised if Minnesota made a big jump this year.

The way I look at it, the Mavs under Cuban are one dumb Manu Ginobili foul (2006, Mavs making the finals) and one lucky not-yet-jelled Miami team with a rookie coach (2011 title, plus the Grizz upsetting the Spurs in the first round in the West) from being all hat, no cattle on the NBA's biggest stage.

And, yes, this is on Cubes. Does anybody really think Donnie Nelson is the actual GM of that team?

And, does anybody think Rick Carlisle really wants to coach this team? Will he stick a full year?

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