Recently, on NBC Sports' website, I saw a commenter with the handle "recoveredcubsfan."
Well, I got to thinking about recovery in the drug and alcohol addiction sense, then thought about the Twelve Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous, so often and so readily spoofed.
And, here's the result.
1. We admitted we were powerless over being Cubs fans—that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a goat who accursed our team, including practicing various sacrifices, hex removals, etc.
4. Made a searching and fearless inventory of the suckitude of our roster, the Lou Brock trade for Ernie Broglio, the second curse of Ron Santo clicking his heels in 1969, the managerial ineptitude of Dusty Baker in breaking Kerry Wood and Mark Prior, and Bartman.
5. Admitted to to Pan the goat-god, to ourselves, and to another Cubs fan the exact nature of our team's suckitude and our failure as fans to believe deeply and strongly enough and not ask Oprah to secretly bless us.
6. Were entirely ready to have Pan and Oprah remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Pan and Oprah to remove our shortcomings, including our jealousy over the 2005 White Sox, and to build us a massive new Jumbotron while they were at it.
8. Made a list of all persons we had annoyed by our martyrdom and other events; wrote each Cardinal fans' name down twice.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Our amends included wearing Cardinal red whenever possible.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly bought tickets to Busch Stadium.
11. Sought through invocation of Pan and Oprah, and if not, invocation of Lou, Gibby and Ozzie, to improve our conscious contact with pennant-winning baseball as we understood it.
12. Having had a baseball awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to fellow Cubs fans, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.