Barack Obama and Michelle Obama — their new books

*Title explained below

Both Barack Obama and Michelle Obama have new book deals. (Bet Bill and Hillary, or certainly Hillary, is pissed that didn't happen in 2001.)

Let's look at Dear Leader's new book.

There are a number of things you need to know about this book before buying it.

Let's start with its American version, assuming most readers here are American.

First, it's only available on a tablet. Of course, since tablet e-reader copies are rentals, that means you can't keep your old book, even if you want to. And, you can be forced to move to a new e-reader if Obama and his publisher deem it necessary.

Second, do not take your e-reader north of the border. You cannot re-import this book from Canada. It's still the same book, just as safe to read on either side of the border, but, sorry, you cannot re-import it from there.

Third, this book, though Penguin Random House claims it will be universally available, will not. About 20 percent of Americans will not be in the e-reader coverage target area. And, of those that are, due to its unique pricing structure, about 20 percent of them will be unable to afford to actually read it.

Fourth, there will be a nudge of 10 cents on your e-reader account if you can get others to sign up to buy it.

OK, that's the American version.

With one exception.

The Chicago version is available exclusively through Rahm Emanuel, Inc.

Europe?

You think you'll be getting the same e-book as in America. But, you'll find that it has almost no pages after 2009. You should also beware that if you're the head of government of any European country besides the UK, the NSA will be using this book to spy on you.

The greater Middle East?

This book is available for people in selected Middle Eastern countries by select delivery. In Yemen, it's available by drone. In Libya, by bomber plane. In Syria, by John Kerry driving to West Damascus.

The Chinese version?

This will be available three months before the American version, due to hacking and pirating.

The Japanese version?

As you might expect, it's kind of an afterthought to the Chinese version.

The Kenyan version?

Since that's where it's actually going to be written, that's the one country in the world where you can get a print edition.

Besides detailing the absolute success of his signature achievement, the retention of the Bush tax cuts, Obama's presidential biography will also tackle his "libsplaining" work to further corporatize American health care. Called Obamacare by those who believed in the words of the author of "The Deception of 'Hope,'" this did largely succeed in such further corporatizing, as repeatedly detailed at this website. Health insurers gave more money to the Democratic Party. Friends of Barry made a killing on electronic patient records software that will actually do little to improve health care.

But, this pales next to an even more signal achievement — the expansion of most of the Bush wars.

An official from Penguin Random House, not authorized to comment for the record, said he could not discuss whether or not Obama would discuss his strenuous attempt to crack down on leaks, because the person from Penguin Random House hinted he had received a National Security Letter about this.

The official did say that most of the profits would be donated to various charities. These are rumored to include the Pritzker Foundation and the Podesta Foundation.

* Between the superheader and the main title, there's reference to a fairly famous book, a magazine that was at one time better known (with a double entendre there), and a cinematic classic.

==

Michelle Obama's book? "Sometimes, When You Buy One, You More Quietly Get Two." The subtitle is "Making Mountains out of Manurehills," and is believed to be a reference to her often-overlooked behind-the-scenes work to bolster her husband's presidency.