Alt-history: Kinky Friedman as Texas Gov

 

Kinky Friedman, who (in)famously, and hilariously, ran for Texas governor in 2006, and who passed away a couple of weeks ago, probably could have had the job if he had serious-ed up at some point.  That said, per that link, years of hindsight later made me realize that, at some point, he thought he might just win, that scared the hell out of him, and refusing to serious up was the antidote.

Texas Monthly offers its thought on what would have happened had he won. It first notes that he shot himself in the foot on at least one occasion when he DID get serious, per his "crackheads and thugs" comment. 

Personally, I thought he had no idea what his constituency was. If he really believed it was the Venn diagram overlap of people who wanted both legal marijuana and organized prayer in public school, it was pretty small.

And, it was pretty weird for a Jew who traded on his Jewishness to want prayer in public schools, but I digress. Back to the Monthly.

Good alt-history only changes one big thing. This changes one moderate serious one, by having state officials rule against Strayhorn Rylander on having "Grandma" as part of her ballot listing. It then moves from alt-history to alt-degeneracy with having Friedman challenge Democrat Chris Bell to a drinking contest to combine their campaigns.

After that, it gets seriously non-serious. And, so, we'll ignore analyzing that laugh track piece and look at reality.

Other than taking up the idea of Rylander not being "Grandma" (and using that to camouflage multiple marriages, too), here's the serious skinny.

It involves Kinky getting serious. Versus the other three, as I noted at the time, he had openings. Beyond that, his schtick wore thin with repetition anyway.

Other than the laugh track, per link No. 3, the first part of getting serious was, per link No. 3, figuring out your constituency. Since Kinky ran later, twice, and as a Democrat both times, that's easy. So, going more serious than the Monthly, we get Kinky to realize that Democrats don't back school prayer. But, would he have? After all, in 2006, some people were pushing him as being to the right of Tricky Ricky.

That said, alt-history also has to have some chance at really happening. Given that Kinky was still supporting prayer and the 10 Commandments in school as late as 2013, and went beyond that on religious intolerance by saying "love Jesus or go to hell," this had about as much chance as Kinky kicking away a rescue dog in Utopia. That second link in the paragraph is an adapted version of a newspaper column I wrote about his campaign. Sadly, per that first link, he almost won the Dem primary for ag secretary in 2010. (Contra Gilberto Hinojosa, skipper of the SS Texas Democratic Minnow, that's another sign of the ongoing weakness of the party statewide.)

Beyond that, the Monthly is laughable in another way. IF Kinky got just serious enough to be elected, by inciting non-Grandma and Tricky Ricky to attack each other even more, by knowing his constituency, and by belittling Bell, there would have been no second term.

First, he had no coattails, so no help in the Lege.

Because of that, the Lege would have dramatically tightened ballot petition signature rules for independent candidates. Kinky as incumbent would have gotten on the ballot again. Nobody else.

Second, the wingers would have co-opted his "five Mexican generals" on the border, or more serious versions of that.

So, the only real alt-history questions are:

1. How little would Kinky have gotten done in his solo term?

2. How badly would he have gotten crushed in 2010?

3. Who would the GOP crusher be?

That last one's the curious one.

In reality, Kay Bailey Cheerleader Hutchison challenged Tricky Ricky in the 2010 primary. Would Perry have been hors de combat after the 2006 loss, or stubborn enough to try again and possibly lose anyway? Would some other non-Bushie GOPer make the run? (In reality, Perry took 51 percent in a three-way primary. Debra Medina, No. 3, was a Tea Party nutbag.) As in, would Strangeabbott have thrust himself forward four years early? Can't see who else it would have been; John Cornyn wasn't leaving the Senate.

In this, we'll say that relative unknown Abbott has to go to a runoff against Hutchison, where he wins. Little else changes in Texas politics.

And, with all of that said, also consider this more of a takedown obit than my original.