Valentine’s Day thoughts on love, relationships and singlehood

I’m going to start by throwing out my idea of what intimate love involves, what its basis is.

I think it includes trust, nurturing emotional sharing and literacy in that, communication in general, emotional and psychological honesty, intrapersonal and interpersonal integrity, growth of each individual and growth together as lovers, sharing in all the things I just mentioned, a certain degree of common values, world viewpoints, ideas, and ideals, and touching, sensuality and more in the way of various types of physical affection.

It is not lust, infatuation or falling in love.

Now, all that said, being single is not all it’s cracked up to be. Especially for men. From a purely utilitarian point, being married adds several years to the average man’s life.

That said, in turn, regular readers and friends may recognize (closer friends should recognize) that for much of my life, being and staying single was not usually a conscious choice. To the degree the choice itself was conscious, the reasons why I was choosing singleness were unconscious ones, including fear of perpetuating old childhood family dysfunctions, fear for my own emotional and psychological safety (I learned at a very young age the safety value of being alone), and even deeper reasons that are more personal and not being shared here. These “drives” weren’t conscious.

So, at the age of 43 and no relationships of more than one year, I have what I call “past history,” and that other people might, or have, called “old baggage.” (To the degree I’m not only conscious of it but conscious of and working on its past causes, it isn’t “old baggage,” just as the degree to which I’m aware of a need and desire for more emotional depth isn’t “old baggage” either.)

Besides, without trying to be terminally single or terminally unique, I know who I am looking for, as far as a general “profile” of common emotional personality, and common interests, values, etc. And my “match list” isn’t the broadest in the world.

Now, back to the main theme of this post. I recognize that to continually be in, or trying to continue to develop, a good love relationship, with that giving and receiving I mentioned above, involves some degree of mental, emotional and psychological work. I don’t have a problem with that, and am ready to do that work, should I get the opportunity to do so. That said, I guess I’m a bit wary if someone heavily stresses the “work” of a relationship, especially fairly early, or even pre-relationship.

To me, a job and career analogy perfectly describes my thoughts. There’s the old cliché that says, “Find what you like to do and you won’t have to work.” While it’s idealistic, it certainly has a fair-sized grain of truth.

So, , if you can find who to do be yourself with, it shouldn’t be so much work, either. Yes, a relationship is more complicated than a job. But, a relationship, or even the idea of one, can be overcomplicated, too, I say from my somewhat limited experience.

In conclusion, consider this a personals ad on my own personal site. Click the link to my profile near the top right, if you’re interested. I’m reasonably ready, and looking, to share myself and be myself with the right person.

I’m asking. For more on asking, see this post.