Apple Watch has some knockout snark apps

Apple CEO Tim Cook talks about the functions of the new Apple Watch during an Apple event
in San Francisco, March 9, 2015. Eric Risberg/AP Photo

You can read this summary, complete with CEO Tim Cook's loving praises for what he called  "the most personal device we have ever created" and "the most advanced timepiece ever created."

Or you can read my summary!

There's the BrandTime app, first of all. It alerts you to whenever the least, tiniest update is being made to any i-Device Apple makes. And, it has all sorts of subfeatures. You can program in what i-Devices you already own, and it will automatically update the ones that are updateable, and order new versions of the ones that aren't, or that you don't yet have. 

If you're shopping online, or in the presence of a physical Apple Store, an Apple RFID reader will automatically lock your Apple Watch into this.

With Apple's new location on the Dow Jones 30 "industrial" stocks index, there's the DOWnTime app. Apple gives you its "private," branding-laden investment advice with this app.

Then there's the iDate app, with many, many features. An autobreathalyzer gives you a beep to head to the bathroom and shoot some breath freshener in your mouth. The personal health monitor ties in with this to tell you when you're overdoing it in trying to impress her or him, except with, of course, your Apple Watch. And, the watch's syncing app lets the two of your coordinate simultaneous virtual orgasms.

And, you can't forget iCook — the wonderful new app where the CEO gives you his celebrity chef tips, right at the kitchen counter and stove! But, that's not what it's really about.

The iCook app will be the entree to Apple-branded food products, which will top Google's plan for interactive appliances.

Then, beneath the level of apps is the iLike program. It also takes your personal health monitor, combined with a retina scan and other things, to tell Apple which apps engage you the most so that it can double down on them.

Then, there's the iGov app. With this one, Apple automatically appends your e-signature to any petition drive, lobbyist's letter or other DC-related item that will benefit Apple. It also, when combined with Apple Pay, can automatically send campaign contributions to officials who support Apple's goals.