July 10, 2014

Jeter publishes 'The Contraction'

Word has it that Derek Jeter, the greatest shortstop ever to come from Kalamazoo, Michigan, play for the New York Yankees, and sell hot dogs in the Alameda County Coliseum, flipping them behind his back during the 2001 playoffs, has a book out.

Well, his ghostwriter has a book out.

You may have heard that it's called "The Contract," and is a Horatio Alger-type, or more, Michael Jordan-type, story (whether it's basketball Jordan or baseball Jordan) about trying to play shortstop for his Little League team.

Well, actually, the REAL Jeter book is called "The Contraction."

And, here's a sample of what it contains, in an editorial review summary:
“The Contraction” is a lovely true story of how Derek Jeter, more than a dozen years into his New York Yankees career, finally discovered that his defensive range at shortstop had been shrinking every year.

Jeter, after listening to general manager Brian Cashman and others, decided to change how he played the position. To his surprise, he found out that he could catch balls he never did before.

Unfortunately, he found out that “The Contraction” now also described his throwing range and that he couldn’t get any of these newly-caught balls to first base without at least one bounce.

Jeter was so horrified and depressed over his own mortality that he broke his ankle tripping over his own night baseball shadow.
Have fun, Cap'n.

But, we've gotten samples from another chapter of "The Contraction," too.

Here you go:
Alex Rodriguez, when signed by the Yankees as a free agent, told Cashman that he had noticed Jeter's shrinking range. He said he was willing to play third base because Jeter was the incumbent veteran at short, but really thought it would help the team more if he played short and Jeter made the switch to third base.

When Cashman would not commit to further discussion of the idea, Rodriguez began dropping comments around the Yankee clubhouse. Eventually, Jeter commented back, saying privately that A-Rod was a horse's ass. 

Rodriguez tried to make things up to Jeter by saying, "No, but I am a centaur," and presenting him a copy of his famous painting.
Boy, I can't wait to read this.

Here's another selection, from a famous Yankees-Red Sox incident.
When I saw Don Zimmer rushing the mound to go after Pedro Martinez, I first wondered, "What the hell is he doing?"

I thought for a moment about trying to help him, then I told myself, "What am I thinking?"

First, Pedro's a tough bastard. Second, Don was that stupid. Third, I got a hot date tonight and can't afford to get hurt.
And, a tidbit, on Joe Torre as manager:
Oh, Joe was great, even without any help from Zimmer. But, he was really, really great in general. Man, I love that hot Italian ass. No, really, Torre was a great manager.
But wait, that's not all. In "The Contraction," Jeter has more background on his investment in a company that makes $100 junk-cooling underwear, which could cause shrinkage, an actual contraction.

Riffing on his kids' book, "The Contract," he talks about it Dr. Seuss terms:
I’ve got junk in my trunk
And that ain’t no bunk;
But my junk stays cool
Because that’s my rule.
Kids, treat your junk with pride
And let it take you for a ride.
"The Contraction." You read it here first.

On the other hand, the current model, at least, of Jeter's Junk Adjusters aren't a full-pubes super-condom. I'm sure Jeter, the ultimate ladies' man, will fix that.

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