June 25, 2015

My totally unbiased rating of GOP Prez candidates' odds

The New York Times reports 13 officially declared and 3 likely Republican presidential candidates. Ignoring John Kasich among the not officials, who hasn't even made AA ball buzz, let's look at the other 15 and their odds for the GOP nomination.

Jeb Bush: About as likely as another Jeb, Jeb Stuart, surviving the Civil War.

Ted Cruz: About as likely as him stopping being Ted Cruz.

Rand Paul: About as likely as his dad, or about as likely as him pulling that dead squirrel off the top of his head. Take your pick.

Marco Rubio: About as likely as him getting past the Marco Polo swimming pool game gags.

Ben Carson: About as likely as a black Republican calling out racism among white Republicans.

Carly Fiorina: About as likely as Hewlett-Packard making a hot-selling computer.

Mike Huckabee: His gay wedding to Josh Duggar or another Duggar Family Values member is more likely.

Rick Santorum: His gay wedding to Mike Huckabee is more likely.

Lindsey Graham: About as likely as him NOT getting butthurt jealous if that above marriage happened.

George Pataki: About as likely as Mario Cuomo running for president.

Rick Perry: About as likely as him successfully counting to three.

Donald Trump: About as likely as him exchanging his combover for Rand Paul's squirrel hair.

Bobby Jindal: About as likely as people not looking at him, thinking his name is "Jenga," then laughing.

Chris Christie: About as likely as me finding a fast lane on a New Jersey bridge. And ...

Scott Walker: About as likely as him NOT remaining the Koch brothers' officially unofficial candidate of choice.

3 comments:

Katy Anders said...

Haha...

One of these people have to end up as the nominee though, right?

Gadfly said...

Katy, you never know. The clown bus (far too big to be a car) may pick up additional riders. (I shudder at the thought.)

Gadfly said...

Oh, and per the "NOT" with Walker, barring some surprise, he definitely looks to be the frontrunner, whenever he officially announces his candidacy.